2019, Writer, writing

Making Peace with Myself

I’m exploring ideas of solitude. Not complete solitude, but I’ve realized I’ve always rather enjoyed my own company. I also like going places with just me, or only one other person, namely, my husband. I’ve realized that I am a person who likes to think. I’m reading about others who’ve felt the same about things, notorious introverts, soul searchers, and seekers. You may infer from that statement that there is a lot I am not saying at the moment, as I am contemplating it.

I think this is the webpage layout for the foreseeable future. And I think what I’m going to do is, I’m going to change the accent color with the seasons, or perhaps, monthly. So, you know, for fall, perhaps I’ll change it to a nice orange, something darkly beautiful for winter, and who knows, a bright pink or green for spring. You get the idea, minimal. The lone holiday decoration. “What’s with the orange wreath?” She’s decorated for from now until Christmas. Perhaps I’ll change it monthly. July feels blue, as in, red, white, and, blue.

I logged into Submittable, or Submishmash, for a moment to check the listings. As I began to read them, I felt myself cringing, “Dear Writer or Artist/Photographer, Please jam yourself into this little box of rules so that we may compare your art next to the art of others more accurately.” If you’re doing that all the time, as I used to, I think you stop noticing that you’re doing it. And, that’s fine in some regard, because, from the editor,publisher, end of things, if you’re picking out paintings for your house, everything isn’t going to be your cup of tea or “go” with what you’ve got going on. But, then I remembered all the other stuff that goes with a lot of that, and realized, I’m not clamoring to be the most popular girl. (Oh dear, I’m in no danger of that, am I?) I think it likely wouldn’t be the correct thing to do to comment too much further on a system that I have, for the most part, decided to opt out of. I think it’s all so terribly broken. I’ve also said I wouldn’t “sell my soul” but, I’m equally aware that no one has quite offered to buy it. So if I got that email that said, “If you jump through this hoop, this one, and this one, write this book, this way, we’ll give you a million bucks” I can’t say what I’d say to that. A million point two… Always have a counter offer ready, you don’t want to look desperate. So….

So, that brings me back to, it depends on what your goals are. I’m not interesting in taking over the world, ruling it, or conquering it. I’m not interested in fame. When it comes to art and creative endeavors, I’ve lost all faith in systems of competitive prizes and awards. Some part of me is still looking in that window same as when I was younger, it’s the same window, everyone has just gotten taller. Only now, I understand myself better, who I am. Now, I can walk away with a smile, and it’s okay. I guess that just leaves it being about the writing. I’m good with that.

A million point two…