It is never too late to develop an attitude of gratitude, if you want to.
I’ve been through a thing or two in my forty-eight years in this life. When I was thirty years old, my beautiful son was five years old, healthy and happy, after a first marriage that didn’t work out, I was with the love of my life, and I had worked very hard at becoming the person that I was becoming. I believed in God, prayed every day, and was generally thankful for my life. I celebrated every day things, made the most of whatever we had, I bloomed where I was planted. Then I got really sick and spent a year fighting for my life, struggling to get through every day, determined to do so for the people that I love.
When that time was behind me, behind us, I was even more grateful, even more thankful. I knew that the only reason I was still walking around was by the grace of God. Five years later, I got sick again, though not as sick. I was still thankful, still grateful, not saying that to toot my own horn, I’m saying that meaning that I didn’t feel angry or betrayed by God, it didn’t change my attitude because I believe that everything is grace, it’s all grace anyway, I was grateful that it wasn’t as bad as the time before. Understanding here that I do live with rheumatoid arthritis, Still’s Disease, every day. Then when I turned forty was the beginning of the previously mentioned, once or twice, nervous breakdown. It’s taken most of the last seven or eight years to get back to this place of really having an attitude of gratitude, and I know that I was fighting for it every minute. And that to have it again even now, is the grace of God. I’m not preaching that to anyone, only, simply, that is what I believe.
Why mention it? Well, I was thinking about what I’ve gone through to get back to this place where I’m feeling like myself again and I think, thought, that to not acknowledge it, that there’s been this tremendous struggle, however very personal, or very obvious at times, would seem kind of odd. It would be incredibly false not to say that it hasn’t always been pretty. Like, what? I’m just going to show up here now and start acting like, what? Yes, I’ve submitted my application for sainthood. In that though, keep in mind that we really don’t owe others any kind of an explanation for our lives, not at all. This is, this time, writing this, because I want to, because I am moving on and going forward.
The truth is that you don’t “kind of” start doing things differently. You either make a change, or changes, or you don’t. If you were swearing up a storm yesterday and you’ve decided that you don’t like the way it sounded, you can decide you’re done cussing right now and you can just be done with it. Coming up on five months ago, I quit drinking alcohol. There isn’t much point in dwelling on a past that you cannot change, but what can you do differently right now? If you want to? That’s how we get our “before and after”, after all.
If you’re in this world as a human being, chances are, you’re going to go through some things. (Believing Again.)
“I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.” ~ Ecclesiastes 9:11
Time and circumstance happen to us all.
I’m soon to release my fourth book in six months, a very personal collection of poetry from my younger days. I think I might take a minute, a moment, after that. I don’t want to say that I’m tired, or that I want to rest my hands, I don’t want to say what my plans are or aren’t, only, that it seems like time to take a moment.
I am really grateful for my life, for my husband, for my son, for the many blessings that I’ve been gifted with. I’ve known great heartaches, but I have known great love. I am thankful, for the grace of God.